2_DESIGN IDEA - My Story Wasn't Simple: how IFS could have helped me sooner (Copy)
Read about my own story
Growing up in Los Angeles, everyone seemed to have a neatly packaged story. A clear narrative of who they were, where they came from, and where they were going. I envied that simplicity. I remember watching a story about a blind master chef – and no disrespect to her, but her narrative was so… streamlined. Her love for her mother's cooking, her mother's passing, the drive to recreate those cherished flavors. It was a simple story, even with the complex emotions woven in.
“I thought people with “simple” stories were lying, being fake. I built a cage around myself, convinced that simplification meant dishonesty. ”
My own story? A tangled mess. I didn't even have the "nuclear family" foundation that so many narratives seemed to be built upon. My family of origin was… complicated. And that inherent complexity made it impossible for me to just pluck a simple, relatable thread and weave it into a personal brand.
For years, this inability to simplify felt like a failure. Like I was missing some fundamental piece of the human puzzle. The whole idea of "positioning yourself" and "marketing yourself" by telling your story felt like a cruel joke. I tried, I really did. But every attempt at simplification felt like a betrayal of some crucial truth, a reduction that left me feeling hollow and inauthentic.
I thought people with "simple" stories were lying, being fake. I built a cage around myself, convinced that simplification meant dishonesty. I now understand that wasn't true. Simplification isn't about lying; it's about finding the core narrative within the complexity. It's about accepting where you come from, accepting where you are, and acknowledging the truth of your background.
I realize that what I was struggling with was a lack of understanding of my own internal landscape.If I had understood IFS earlier, I could have approached my story differently.
For example, I used to avoid mentioning I was from Los Angeles. It felt like a privilege, a trope I didn't fit. It felt like it invalidated the hardships I had faced, or that it somehow cast me as some dreamy actress or screenwriter – which I absolutely am not. I was so busy trying to avoid fitting into pre-conceived schemas that I couldn't find my own truth.
It took me until 44 years old, growing up in Los Angeles, moving to Colorado, to finally figure out how to tell my story. How to give the right amount of respect to what people think, what they feel, what mental models are important to follow, and what needs context. It was a lifetime of work.
Looking back, I realize that what I was struggling with was a lack of understanding of my own internal landscape. I was so busy trying to fit into external narratives that I had lost touch with my inner world. This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Parts Work, could have been incredibly helpful.
IFS recognizes that we all have different "parts" within us – sub-personalities with their own perspectives, feelings, and motivations. These parts can be protective, like the "Perfectionist" that pushes us to achieve, or the "Critic" that judges our every move. They can be vulnerable, like the "Inner Child" that longs for connection, or the "Fearful One" that anticipates danger.
IFS makes all the difference
If I had understood IFS earlier, I could have approached my story differently. I could have recognized that my resistance to simplification wasn't about dishonesty; it was about the different parts within me struggling to be heard. The "Perfectionist" part might have been afraid of not getting the story "right," while the "Vulnerable" part might have been terrified of being judged.
IFS offers a compassionate way to understand these parts. It teaches us that each part has a positive intention, even if its strategies aren't always helpful. It's about building a relationship with these parts, understanding their needs, and helping them work together more harmoniously.
IFS offers a compassionate way to understand these parts.
Had I known about IFS, I could have explored those internal parts with curiosity and compassion. I could have acknowledged the "Perfectionist's" desire for excellence and the "Vulnerable One's" need for safety. I could have given those parts a voice, allowing them to express their concerns without judgment.
Ultimately, IFS could have helped me integrate those different parts of myself, creating a more cohesive and authentic narrative. It could have helped me understand that my story wasn't reducible, but it was understandable. And that understanding would have freed me from the shame and confusion that kept me trapped for so long.
Now, I use my experiences to help others discover their own internal rules and give them a playground to decide if those rules are still serving them. I help them find their authentic stories, not by simplifying them, but by understanding the complex and beautiful tapestry of their inner world.
